New Friends

Have you ever met someone new and found you could talk and talk and they understood you and you just knew you'd be friends?

I just met a whole bunch of women like that!

I love my family and friends.... They are helpful, compassionate, thoughtful and they challenge me spiritually.

But I have very few friends who understand this crazy LEO life that my family leads.... Many really, really try to understand and I appreciate that about them... But in the end, they really don't get it because they don't live it.

I found a group on Facebook (yes, the dreaded Facebook!) dedicated only to wives of Law Enforcement.  It has become a place where we feel safe to share a little about our lives without fear that someone will start threatening our loved ones, as is all too common in the online world.  The group is "closed" so no one outside the group can see our posts, which lets us open up to each other about things we would probably never talk to anyone else about...

We've shared funny stories, scary stories, schedule problems and quirks of the LEO life...

The black sock drawer?  We all have one!

Uniforms and gear taking over the closet, bathroom and bedroom?  Yup, here too!

Coming home late from shift or off duty or being called in on a day off?  Been there, done that!

Not being able to contact your husband for hours and wondering if something BIG is going on?  Too many times to count...

Hubby missing out on Christmas, birthdays, anniversaries, church, soccer games due to his schedule?  We're so used to that now...

These are just a handful of the things that you just can't understand if you don't live it.  Now don't get me wrong, my non LEOW friends DO empathize with all we deal with but I think even they would admit they don't truly get it since it's not their life.  I can empathize with a friend whose husband travels a lot for work or is deployed in the military, but I can't tell her I understand what she's going through because I've never experienced it.  I am not better than anyone else because of my husband's job or the crazy life we live, but it's just a different life and  it's hard to truly understand if you haven't lived with your husband putting on 20 lbs of gear, including a bullet proof vest and a gun each time he goes to work. 

I have spent WAY too much time over the past few days in that Facebook group.  Thankfully, I've also been able to get everything done around the house, or there would be trouble!  But, it's so refreshing to find like minded women who truly understand!  Who know what it's like and love it anyway... 

 

It's Hard To Believe!

I'll warn you in advance that this is a long post.  We've got a lot of ground to cover.  So, get comfortable, get a cup of coffee, and enjoy!
 
This month marks the 17th anniversary that my husband has been in Law Enforcement...

That gets me thinking back to those early days...

- With no cell phones (how in the world did we live without them?)...

- With no clue as to the life I would be leading...

- Just married, with a baby on the way, in a new city and about to buy a house...

It's hard to be newly married to start with.  Then you add in starting into a life that is like few others.  I knew only one other LEOW and she worked so we didn't get to spend too much time together.  My husband's job was stressful, his bosses were terrible and I was a bit too self centered to be a helpful wife.  Sure, I took care of the house and the baby, but the long hours (14 hour days between the 12 hour shift and the commute) and the lack of a schedule (he was often called into work at the last minute) led to a very difficult first 2 years of marriage.

Thankfully, my husband was able to get his dream job at a different agency in our same area.  The boss was better, the hours were a little better (still 12 hour shifts, but less of a commute) and he was called into work less on his days off.  He spent a year with a "regular" schedule- 8am-5pm Monday-Friday.  That was lovely with a 2 year old and a newborn!

After that first year in the new job, he was transferred to patrol, with 12 hour days and a shift that rotated between days and nights.  Even though he had worked those hours at his first job, it was a hard transition back to that with 2 young children.  I didn't handle it very well.

I now knew NO other LEOW's and that was difficult.  There was no one to encourage me when we had no family dinners, no one to help me with dealing with crazy schedules, no one who understood what it was like to have their husband work all night and sleep much of the day...

Fast forward more than a decade...

- I have branched out and now know several other department wives and I am friends with a few of them.  

- I still get frustrated with schedule changes and long shifts, but I can manage those things better now.

- We make more of an effort to have a monthly date night.  Some months it is impossible due to my husband's work hours, but it still happens more frequently than it did when we were first married. 

- We were not able to have dates very often when the kids were younger because of money to go out and get a babysitter.  Once I found a very good friend with kids my age and a husband in a nearby agency, we traded off childcare and we were both able to have more regular date nights.

I've also learned that this career can change a person...  I can't imagine seeing and experiencing everything my husband has seen and experienced... In his 17 years in law enforcement, the following is a short list of some of these things, the good, the bad and the ugly:

• He's been threatened several times, mostly by drunk people he was arresting.
• He's been cyberstalked by a lunatic.
• He's witnessed several autopsies.
• He's investigated a murder the kids and I called the "freezer man" case... There's nothing like hearing of a man who was killed by his teenaged son, decapitated and stuffed in a freezer in the basement for a year and a half...
• He held a man in his arms for his final breath before he died of gunshot wounds.
• He has investigated several terrible murders.
• He has been on quite a few high speed chases and foot chases.
• He has pulled at least one 24 hour work shift... No sleep, just working.
• He has missed more church services, soccer games, Christmases, Thanksgivings, birthdays, and anniversaries than I can count.
• He has missed many hours of sleep.
• He has lost 4 co-workers; 2 in on duty car accidents, 1 in a line of duty murder, and 1 to suicide.
• He has made a few lifelong friends.
• He has gotten an excellent reputation due to his work ethic and personality.
• He has gone from the courthouse to patrol to property crime to person crime to Sgt back on patrol.
• He has been tired, grumpy, stressed, excited... 
• He has loved every minute (well, maybe not EVERY, but close!) of his 17 years!

So, as I look back over the past 17 years, I see how I was not at all prepared for this life.  It took me several years to figure it all out.  In many ways, I still don't have it ALL figured out.  Once you think you do, it changes... So, even with as rigid as I can be, I've still learned to be flexible.  The hours WILL be long, the stress WILL be there, the schedule WILL change.  I may not like it, but I DO have to live with it without making myself or my family miserable!

It's hard to believe that my husband is able to retire in 12 years.  Will he?  Who knows...
  

Second to the Job?

I follow a page for wives of law enforcement on Facebook.  It's helpful to get updates and support in a line of work that very few outside this life understand.

I saw a comment recently that made me stop and think.  A wife said that LEOW's (Law Enforcement Officer Wife) need to stop complaining about not getting to see their husband and that an LEOW will always be second to her husband behind his job.  She pointed out that her husband thinks he needs to check in at his department, even on his days off, and that means that he's passionate about his oath...

That comment made me stop and think....

Is it right for a husband to put his job above his wife?

My husband is a hard worker and when he is on shift, he is there 100%.   He trusts me to take care of things at home in a way that I don't have to "bother" him with things that I can take care of on my own.  

But when he's off duty, he's OFF DUTY.... Sure, he works extra jobs when they are available to him.... Yes, he takes phone calls from work when he's not on shift.... Of course if someone with rank higher than him asks him to do something on his days off, he does it...

While he has a great reputation at work and does his job with excellence, he doesn't for one minute think that the rest of them can't function without him.  

When he is on duty, he is there to get the job done.  But if I need him, he does his best to be there for me.  It's not always possible to even get in touch with him while he's working, so many times I have to take care of something because he's simply not available.  If I'm sick, or one of the kids has an important event, or we are wanting to go on vacation, he has no problem with trying to take the time off to be there for his family.  

I'm hoping I misunderstood this woman's comment.... Hopefully she meant that her husband is into his job 150% and not that she is content with always being second to the job.  I don't think I could ever be content with being 2nd to anything in my husband's life other than God.

I'm thankful to have a husband who loves his job, does it well, is thought of highly by his co-workers, but who also loves his wife and children MORE than he loves his job!

 

 

We Made It!

I'm a wimp....

You'd think I'd be used to not seeing my husband, with his crazy shift and off duty work....

He was gone for 12 days this spring with our son on a mission trip to Ukraine and my daughter and I did just fine.

But he was out of town for 5 days last week taking a class for work and that was enough for me!

I've said before I don't know how wives handle it when their husband travels for work....

I certainly don't know how a wife handles a military deployment.

I guess I've found my limit on what I'm able to handle.  I can do the crazy shift work- having dinner ready at 5pm one week and 7:30pm the next... Being quiet in the house to let him sleep after being awake for 24 hours... And whatever other crazy stuff that seems to happen each month.

But I can't handle the being gone for a week or more with little to no contact.

Sure, we talked briefly each day during his lunch break.  And we even got on Skype a few times in the evenings.  But it's just not the same.

So, I am glad he's home again and hopefully he won't have to travel again for another year!

 

National Police Week

This week is National Police Week.  What started in 1962 with a proclamation from President Kennedy grew in 1982 to include a Memorial Service.  The commemoration now draws 25,000-40,000 LEO's, family and friends to Washington, DC to honor law enforcement as well as to remember those who lost their lives the previous year while performing their duties.

The National Law Enforcement Officer's Memorial Wall... Very moving!

The National Law Enforcement Officers Memorial in downtown DC holds the names of the 19,000+ officers that have died in the line of duty.  My family and I had the honor of visiting this memorial several years ago during a trip to the area.  It was particularly important to make that stop because during the previous year, 3 deputies from my husband's department had died in the line of duty- 2 in car accidents and 1 who was murdered.  It was a moving experience, to see all of those names, but particularly to see the names of people that you knew, had met and had worked with.... I don't ever want to have to return to view more names of LEO's that we knew, but I realize that is a possibility in this line of work.

When I look back at the statistics for the past 5 years for LEO line of duty deaths, it's like a roller coaster:
2007- 201
2008- 151
2009- 138
2010- 163
2011- 166
2012- 36 (year to date...unfortunately there will be more to add by the end of the year....)

What the statistics don't show is that many of the line of duty deaths in recent years have been ambushes and premeditated murder of LEO's simply because they are LEO's.....  That is disheartening to me.  It's not in the front of my mind every day because I don't believe you can function well that way... But it is often in the back of my mind, reminding me just how fragile life can be.

So many of my friends are so very supportive of my husband's job.  They thank him (and others they know and see) for doing their job.  It might be hard for some to believe or understand, though, just how hated law enforcement is by the general community and also by the media, who is quick to report the bad (or what they perceive is the bad) but rarely reports the good.

My husband, and very few if any LEO's for that matter, does not do this job for the recognition.  He doesn't expect to be thanked by the community at the end of his shift.  He realizes that the same person who calls him for help might be the one he actually takes to jail that night.  He's been lied about (countless times....thank God for the dash cam that busts those liars!), threatened, assaulted, stalked, someone tried to run him over with their car, he's held a dying man in his arms, and seen death in ways no one would ever choose to see.  He does his job because he loves it.  And he does it never once expecting to be appreciated by the community.

I don't know of any other profession where people make such generalizations due to a small percentage who have done wrong.  We never (nor should we) hear "All teachers are bad" because we hear of the few who have broken trust in various ways, some even committing crimes.  We never hear "All doctors are bad" because of one who doesn't perform his job ethically.  But we routinely hear that ALL cops are bad, because there are those few who are doing wrong.... That is what makes this job so hard for both the LEO and their families....Hearing those generalities when you know your loved one is in the vast majority of those who do this job well! 

So, this week as we celebrate Law Enforcement, make it your goal to go out of your way to thank an LEO in your community.  You don't have to bake them cookies (in fact, many won't accept that as you can imagine people in that line of work wouldn't want to accept homemade goods from someone they don't know!), but a simple "thank you" will be enough to make their day.  They may not have heard those words outside their home in weeks or longer.